Getting help.

Right now, I'm sitting at home, waiting on some counselors to show up. Monday and Tuesday were pretty bad days and the strange symptoms that I've been having are getting worse. I used yesterday to try and find a psychiatrist in the area that would take me fairly quickly, but that didn't work out so well. After I had the thought/urge/voice-tell-me-to just go drive so I couldn't be found, I really realized that I needed some immediate help. I don't like admitting that - I feel like I should just be able to suck it up and deal with this on my own... but at the same time, I'm trying to take care of two people here, not just me! Plus, I couldn't afford to test all of this while watching the pseudo-kids. I really didn't want to know what would happen there. So, last night, I made a phone call. There's this 24-hour mobile crisis center that was referred to me by my police officer friend. I called them and they said that they could send out a counselor right then (they wouldn't be at my house for another hour) or, as long as I was safe, they could send one in the morning. Knowing they wouldn't even make it to my house until at least 9 PM, I opted for this morning. I knew I'd be safe because my husband was home with me and knew what all was going on; plus, we made a safety plan for today.

So now I wait.

And my husband just came home. He told his boss what was going on with me, and so his boss told him to come home and be with me. On one hand, I'm glad to know that he was concerned about me and wants to be here for me. On the other hand, I really didn't want to disrupt his life and make things all difficult and complicated and whatnot. But he came home because he wanted to/he was concerned. I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't ask him to come home, I didn't say "oh, I need you here" ... he did it because he loves me.

True test of unconditional love.

My anxiety is through the roof right now, waiting on these counselors. I'm not sure what's going to happen. This particular crisis team is all for getting through issues like this without hospitalization, although they will take you to the hospital if they see that you absolutely need it. I don't really want to go to the hospital, but at the same time ... I know I'd be safe there.

Just so overwhelmed and confused right now. Guess we'll see what happens.