Illnesses...

Well, it's apparent that I've been M.I.A. for a while. There's been a lot going on and, while that should be the time that I'm blogging up a storm, I just haven't found the energy/motivation to blog. Never sure what to write about these days... but since this is completely for me, I think I'm just going to ramble today.

I had my glucose & iron tests done on Monday. I failed both. :-/ I've been dealing with anemia off and on since I was about eight, so that one doesn't surprise me too much. Luckily, I can just take the iron pills that I used to take, and all should be well. I go back next Monday for the more extensive glucose test - the one where I have to drink the whole bottle and test my blood sugar every hour for three hours. I'm not excited about that one, mostly because I have to be at the doctor's office for at least three hours. I'm not too surprised about the results of the glucose test either, mostly because diabetes runs in my family (a lot!) and my mom had gestational diabetes with my sister. Thankfully, because I watched her go through that, I'm pretty aware of how this all works: change your diet, exercise more, and (if necessary) take insulin. It's really not that big of a deal, especially if I only have to do this for the next three months. I know that my husband is concerned about me developing full-blown diabetes after the baby is born, but that's pretty uncommon unless someone is borderline to begin with - and my blood sugar has always tested as fairly normal in the past. I do hope that it can just be controlled with diet and exercise. I will take the insulin if I have to, but the thought of stabbing myself with a needle every day is not appealing... at all.

I've been dealing with some major "mental health issues" over the past week that I'm getting pretty concerned about. I really need to find a new psychiatrist, but with tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I'm probably going to have to wait until Monday to even get in touch with anyone. (I supposed I could make a phone call today and see if they can get me in on Monday though...) At first, I thought my problems were just my bipolar getting a little out of hand. But this is going a bit too far. I'm seeing things in my head that are scaring me ... I'm being told by this voice in my head to do bad things ... and being told that I'm a bad person for things that I've done. Like today, I was texting a friend who had a rough night last night, due to his own personal issues. I suddenly got this feeling that I was an awful person and needed to be punished for not being there for him. He kept telling me it was okay, but I don't feel like it's okay. It's not okay to not be there for someone who needs you - especially when you know that they are in crisis mode. I've been told that auditory hallucinations can be a symptom of bipolar (during mania) but I haven't been feeling manic. I've felt pretty stable actually, minus all of this happening. If anything, I'm closer to depressed than manic. I don't really feel depressed either though ... I just feel unmotivated. I was actually feeling fine when this voice started last Wednesday. I wasn't depressed or anything, and then suddenly, I had someone telling me that I needed to do self-injurous behaviors. Luckily, previous to this week, I haven't had this happen a lot - but it's not the first time. My first hospitalization was technically for 'suicidal ideation' but I wasn't feeling suicidal. I had someone (in my head) telling me to kill myself... and that's the scariest feeling in the world. Over the last week, I've done pretty good about keeping myself in reality, knowing that this voice has no control over me and I don't have to do what it says... but it's getting harder with each day. And the people have come back. A few years, I closed my eyes one night when trying to get to sleep and saw these two people, dressed darkly and having an air of demise. It scared the shit out of me, but I chalked it up to my imagination and tried to get some sleep. Unfortunately, for quite a while, these people didn't go away. I never saw them standing in front of me, but it was like they were faces to a couple of these voices that I've heard. After a couple of years, they went away. I'm not sure why or how, but they did. And now ... actually, as of Thursday or Friday, I think ... they're back. I see them walking around inside my head ... and it's pretty scary. I know that, because I'm pregnant, my options are limited on medication. But I'm probably not going to be breastfeeding because I need to be on good drugs that work for me. I'm also going to get in to see a new psychiatrist and talk about re-evaluating my diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I'm not saying that I don't think I have bipolar, but I'm pretty sure that the diagnosis was given prematurely. The doctor just asked his typical ten questions, making tick marks on yes or no, counted up my answers, and told me I have bipolar disorder. I think there's a lot more that needs to be looked at, though. First, he never discussed whether or not there's a history of trauma in my history (which there is) - and the only difference between bipolar and PTSD is presence of trauma. I now know that I've been having hallucinations off and on for years and didn't know what they were, as well as I've been dissociating for years. My dissociation is now affecting my driving though. No one has ever asked how I function in society (like the fact that I've never been able to keep a job very long, either from depression, lack of motivation, or feeling like I'm going to screw up), or my relationships with other people (such my rocky relationships with everyone around, feeling like they're all going to leave me, etc.). My outbursts of anger, my severe anxiety (separation and otherwise), as well as my debilitating fear of abandonment should all be considered when trying to diagnose someone. It's like the doctor just thought he knew what it was, wanted it confirmed by a few questions, and wrote it down on a piece of paper. He didn't ask all of the questions needed. Sometimes I wonder what some other possible diagnoses might be... schizophrenia? borderline personality disorder? But at the same time, I'm trying so hard to not self-diagnose. It's hard though, because it's in my nature to think that I'm sick all of the time. It's what defines me ... my illnesses have always defined me. They're one of the few things that I can say are mine. I've never really known who I am or what I'm doing or what I think or believe .. hell, I flip back and forth on religions like it's going out of style. But I know that I'm sick. I'm always sick. Even when no one cares, or no one believes me, or no one wants to help me, I still have disabilities. I would love to get on SSDI (social security disability income) but that seems to be damn near impossible. I've applied twice - and both times have let the deadline pass to appeal their denial. I just feel like whenever they deny me, that I'm screwed. I have no choice. There's nothing I can do now. So I suck it up, go back to work, and deal with it.

I'm not even sure what I'm rambling about anymore. I guess that's my cue to get off of here - and probably go make that phone call.

Happy turkey day - gobble gobble!