Dealing with anxiety while pregnant is no fun. I've had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember, including having separation anxiety as a toddler. I've always felt anxious - sometimes worse than others - and have, over the years, found several coping mechanisms. Some are stereotypical, by-the-book coping skills: relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, meditation, et cetera. Some are coping skills that I stumbled upon: a looooong hot bath with candles and relaxing music, calling a friend, put in a movie as a distraction, read, journal/blog, et cetera. But sometimes, these things just don't work out in my favor. I can make lists upon lists of needing to make lists of more coping skills ... I can exhaust all options, and still feel the heaviness in my chest with my hyperventilated breathing. About three years ago, I was put on medication for my anxiety to take as needed and it helped immensely. Unfortunately, being pregnant has resulted in my ceasing of my medication - partially because of the anxiety it causes to poison my helpless kiddo that has no say-so in all of this. I woke up this morning in a panic... not over anything particular, as most of my anxiety is hard to pinpoint its start. By 10 AM, I was in full blown panic attack. No fun at all. But thankfully, I've calmed down and have been keeping myself distracted. I'm fairly confident that I can keep this up until the husband gets home from work. Anxiety usually isn't as bad when I'm not alone, and since I'm not watching the pseudo-kids today (their mom took the day off), I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be alone forever, with no outlook on seeing another human being today - or ever again. Abandonment issues at its best! [huge sarcastic grin]
On another note, I wrote on Friday about my aunt coming into town and her lack of communication skills with me. I did end up seeing her and my cousins, as well as another unsuspected family member that I haven't seen in forever. My aunt - let's call her Sarge - apparently has been stalking me on Facebook without leaving comments or anything, so she did know about my marriage and pregnancy. However, when she started to get upset because she "never hear(s) any news about (me) until six months later - and then it's through the grapevine," I gave her a small lecture on the fact that she's almost 15 years older than me and needs to learn to pick up a damn phone. I mean, seriously, how can you be upset about someone not telling you anything when they try to keep in touch with you and you never respond? Ugh. But then I have to remember that Sarge is still truly a sixteen-year-old, caring about no one but herself and filling her life with drama. She will always act like she's still in high school ... and for that, I cut her some slack. Okay, perhaps that's the wrong choice phrase. I don't really cut her any slack because she's a grown woman and should know better. But I know better than to get my heart broken over this stuff. It's been happening my entire life. Maybe I still hold her accountable, but don't let it get to me as much anymore. There's no use in crying over spilled emotions, hopes, and expectations.
I've been checking in on other bloggers and realized that some folks are extremely candid about their personal life on the internet while others are more reserved. I'm a bit of both. As far as the events of my daily life and my personal thoughts and feelings, I'm completely out there. Part of that is from not feeling that I can be completely open with people in real life, so my blog is my opportunity to vent, bitch, cry, whine, or whatever else I need to do to get things out there. However, no one knows who I am! I'm not going to be posting pictures of my family or anything. I'm not even going to use real names. Hell, Ambrosia is not even my real name. Ambrosia was a nickname given to me, as it means immortal and apparently (according to the friend giving me the nickname) I always leave an everlasting impression on anyone I meet, so I am immortal. It's kind of dorky, but the good friend who gave me the nickname means a lot to me and I thought it was cute. Anyway, so I've decided that I'm going to use pseudonyms for everyone that I blog about. I thought it might make it a little easier to give you guys an outline.
My husband - Brad
My uterus guest - Peanut (will probably keep this name post-delivery)
My [much younger] sister - Leah
Best friend #1 (see True friends sacrifice sleep.) - James
Best friend #2 - Brittany
14-year-old pseudo-kid - Lisa
12-year-old pseudo-kid - Dylan
10-year-old pseudo-kid - Margaret
So there you guys go. :) Have a great one!
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