Inhale, exhale, repeat as necessary.

Dealing with anxiety while pregnant is no fun. I've had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember, including having separation anxiety as a toddler. I've always felt anxious - sometimes worse than others - and have, over the years, found several coping mechanisms. Some are stereotypical, by-the-book coping skills: relaxation exercises, breathing exercises, meditation, et cetera. Some are coping skills that I stumbled upon: a looooong hot bath with candles and relaxing music, calling a friend, put in a movie as a distraction, read, journal/blog, et cetera. But sometimes, these things just don't work out in my favor. I can make lists upon lists of needing to make lists of more coping skills ... I can exhaust all options, and still feel the heaviness in my chest with my hyperventilated breathing. About three years ago, I was put on medication for my anxiety to take as needed and it helped immensely. Unfortunately, being pregnant has resulted in my ceasing of my medication - partially because of the anxiety it causes to poison my helpless kiddo that has no say-so in all of this. I woke up this morning in a panic... not over anything particular, as most of my anxiety is hard to pinpoint its start. By 10 AM, I was in full blown panic attack. No fun at all. But thankfully, I've calmed down and have been keeping myself distracted. I'm fairly confident that I can keep this up until the husband gets home from work. Anxiety usually isn't as bad when I'm not alone, and since I'm not watching the pseudo-kids today (their mom took the day off), I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be alone forever, with no outlook on seeing another human being today - or ever again. Abandonment issues at its best! [huge sarcastic grin]

On another note, I wrote on Friday about my aunt coming into town and her lack of communication skills with me. I did end up seeing her and my cousins, as well as another unsuspected family member that I haven't seen in forever. My aunt - let's call her Sarge - apparently has been stalking me on Facebook without leaving comments or anything, so she did know about my marriage and pregnancy. However, when she started to get upset because she "never hear(s) any news about (me) until six months later - and then it's through the grapevine," I gave her a small lecture on the fact that she's almost 15 years older than me and needs to learn to pick up a damn phone. I mean, seriously, how can you be upset about someone not telling you anything when they try to keep in touch with you and you never respond? Ugh. But then I have to remember that Sarge is still truly a sixteen-year-old, caring about no one but herself and filling her life with drama. She will always act like she's still in high school ... and for that, I cut her some slack. Okay, perhaps that's the wrong choice phrase. I don't really cut her any slack because she's a grown woman and should know better. But I know better than to get my heart broken over this stuff. It's been happening my entire life. Maybe I still hold her accountable, but don't let it get to me as much anymore. There's no use in crying over spilled emotions, hopes, and expectations.

I've been checking in on other bloggers and realized that some folks are extremely candid about their personal life on the internet while others are more reserved. I'm a bit of both. As far as the events of my daily life and my personal thoughts and feelings, I'm completely out there. Part of that is from not feeling that I can be completely open with people in real life, so my blog is my opportunity to vent, bitch, cry, whine, or whatever else I need to do to get things out there. However, no one knows who I am! I'm not going to be posting pictures of my family or anything. I'm not even going to use real names. Hell, Ambrosia is not even my real name. Ambrosia was a nickname given to me, as it means immortal and apparently (according to the friend giving me the nickname) I always leave an everlasting impression on anyone I meet, so I am immortal. It's kind of dorky, but the good friend who gave me the nickname means a lot to me and I thought it was cute. Anyway, so I've decided that I'm going to use pseudonyms for everyone that I blog about. I thought it might make it a little easier to give you guys an outline.

My husband - Brad
My uterus guest - Peanut (will probably keep this name post-delivery)
My [much younger] sister - Leah
Best friend #1 (see True friends sacrifice sleep.) - James
Best friend #2 - Brittany
14-year-old pseudo-kid - Lisa
12-year-old pseudo-kid - Dylan
10-year-old pseudo-kid - Margaret

So there you guys go. :) Have a great one!

Family (noun) - love

For the second time within a week, I've woken up before 6 AM. Today had nothing to do with anyone else, though; I just woke up. Like, the kind where you wake up out of a dead sleep and you're suddenly wide-awake, terrified that you'll never be able to fall back asleep. And, sure enough, you're right. That's how I woke up this morning. I'm not sure if anything specific startled me awake. It may have been my excitement for this weekend, since I'm spending the weekend with two of my closest friends. Perhaps it was my mind anxiously awaiting the results of the baseball game last night. I am not typically a baseball fan, but my husband has been insistent on watching all games of the World Series, since the Texas Rangers finally have a shot again this year. Last night, they played into a tenth inning and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer - but still had the urge to know who won. (Note: Texas lost, 10-9.) I'm starting to wonder, however, if my inability to sleep well last night had to do with a conversation I was having with my cousin.

My cousin is eighteen years old and finally realizing that being related to someone doesn't always make them family. I told her last night, "Family is about being there no matter what and loving through everything." I even brought to her attention that she and I are not even blood... but we're still family. And knowing that my aunt, who I rarely talk to anymore, is coming into town has truly made me think about family lately. On one hand, she and I used to be super close and I could go to her for anything. On the other hand, she blows me off these days; I'm not even sure if she knows that I'm married and pregnant. And that's just so utterly pathetic to me. I've thought about getting in touch with her while she's in town to see her... mostly because I want the shock value of her thinking, "OMG ... how did I miss this?!? What else have I missed out on?" But I'm trying to remind myself that I just need to let go. She will realize in her own time what she's missing. It does make me sad though, because I miss her kids.

Well, I'm going back to my cinnamon graham crackers. Let's see if I can get this day started right! :)

Winter wonderland... already?!?

Texas weather ceases to amaze me. This entire summer was probably the worst of my existence, with temperatures reaching in excess of 110 degrees. Now, it's fall and I thought that perhaps my days would be filled with "it's a clear day at 72 degrees" ... but apparently, I was sadly mistaken. All week has been fairly warm; however, I wake up this morning to a cold front that came in last night and suddenly I'm wishing I had on my fuzzy socks. It's effin' cold!! Thankfully, I enjoy cold weather... I just enjoy it more so when I'm expecting it.

In other news, this cold of mine has almost completely dissipated. Thank goodness for chamomile herbal tea and Robitussin. I think the baby is starting to feel better too, as she's been moving more since I've started feeling better.

Well, as I am in need of gas for the car and a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks, I guess I'm leaving early to get the pseudo-kids. It's gonna be a long night...

True friends sacrifice sleep.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 so that I could follow through on my best-friend-duties. Typically, since my babysitting job is in the afternoon/evenings, I typically don't get out of bed until about 9:00 AM. This morning, however, I agreed to take my best friend in the world to his functional testing. This is a two to four hour long test on how well he functions: how long can he stand? sit? how much can he lift? et cetera. After being seen by the Social Security Administration as disabled, he has decided to utilize DARS (the Texas Department of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services) in order to possibly go back to work. Through this process, though, DARS is requesting a functional test to see what he is capable of. And so, being the amazing friend that I am, I agreed to take him to his testing and pick him up, since I'm sure he will be in too much pain to drive.


Sometimes I wonder what he deals with that I do not. Unfortunately, my best friend and I deal with a lot of the same aches and pains. We have both had identical spinal fusion surgeries (both at the L5-S1, I might add), both have degenerative disc disease, both deal with a plethora of mental issues - including PTSD... and yet he has been approved by the government to get paid to sit at home while I scrape by on minimal means. Obviously, I'm not upset with him; it's the government... but I won't get political on here. I just don't understand and the lack of sense of it makes me so upset.

Nonetheless, he is still my best friend and I love him, like woah. :)

Stupid cold!

Well, I went to the doctor today - spontaneously. I thought it might be a good idea after dealing with this AWFUL cold for a week now, and especially after vomiting up blood. Yup, that's right ... blood. All is okay though; my cold is so terrible that all of this coughing tore something in my esophagus, causing it to bleed a little. Since I'm pregnant and still dealing with the "morning sickness" (which is never just in the morning for me), the blood came out .... okay, maybe just a little TMI. Sorry, guys. Anyway, since I was so nervous about something being terribly wrong, I didn't watch the pseudo-kids today. Oddly enough, I missed them. They drive me crazy sometimes, but they're 10, 12, and 14! Of course they are gonna drive me crazy! But they're still just so sweet.

I'm hoping that this cold chills out - hopefully literally, because I'm starting to have hot flashes or something. I will probably be drinking more chamomile herbal tea with honey tonight in order to get to sleep.

Thoughts for the day.

Pondering several thoughts while procrastinating my need to get ready:

-How did I get lucky enough to host this little critter in my tummy for nine months?
-Will my aversion to chocolate EVER go away? I kinda miss being a choco-holic.
-What will become of my spine, in all its infinite self-loathing and failure at being a spine?

Okay, okay ... I must go get ready. I have to leave to pick up my psuedo-kids from school. (I love babysitting ... kids are awesome, they treat you better than they treat their parents, and you get to go home - without them!)